


In your head

by Smowkie



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha Derek, Asexual Derek Hale, Derek Hale Feels, Derek Hale's Past Consent Issues with Kate Argent, Derek-centric, Emissary Stiles Stilinski, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Magical Stiles Stilinski, POV Stiles Stilinski, Rituals, Spark Stiles Stilinski, Sub Derek Hale, non-sexual nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 12:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17581154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smowkie/pseuds/Smowkie
Summary: Stiles had been Derek’s emissary for almost a year, and the spell they were about to perform was important for their emissary and alpha relationship, for the trust, as it would give them access to the other’s mind. Stiles trusted Derek, with himself, with his dad, with their pack, witheverything, and he knew Derek trusted him too. But it put everything on a whole new level, letting each other in like that. Stiles could trust Derek without telling him exactly how he felt, right? He didn’t need to tell himeverything.But apparently he did. Or so the customs said. Theprotocol. Apparently, an emissary and an alpha had to go through it before the first year was over, to solidify their alliance, to know they both had the other’s and their packs best at heart, to know they never needed to keep secrets from each other. Stiles got it, he really did, and itwasan important part of him fully being Derek’s emissary, of Derek fully being his alpha, but he wasn’t necessarily looking forward to Derek knowing how head over heels in love Stiles was with him.Written for the promptBy a campfire + Longing.





	In your head

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rieraclaelin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rieraclaelin/gifts).



> The last one for [the kissing prompt post](http://sterekshaven.tumblr.com/post/182278254357). Jessie asked for _By a campfire + Longing_. I'm not really sure how I did, tbh. I'm worried about this fic. I really like it, but I'm worried about how people will like it. I really hope you do like it though! Eeep. Scary!
> 
> ([tumblr post](http://sterekshaven.tumblr.com/post/182383311692))
> 
> This is read through and edited, but not beta read. All remaining mistakes are my own, please leave them alone =)

There was something about the way Derek moved that always got to Stiles, especially when he was relaxed and felt safe with the people around him. He could strut like the best of them, huff up, be broad and intimidating, use big movements, but only really when he was anxious about how people perceived him, when he felt he _needed_ to look big and intimidating, or when he was using his body as a means to an end.

When he was relaxed though, then he always sort of tucked in on himself. He had his elbows close to his body and his feet close together, which made him look so timid and soft and surprisingly small. Sure, he could sprawl out on a couch, but he somehow never used much space when he did, and the few times Stiles had seen him play, physically, like when they threw Stiles’ baseball between them in John’s yard one day, or when Derek and Kira had been kicking around a soccer ball, those time he had a wide stance and he used his size to his advantage. But whenever things were calm and he was relaxed he always looked so small.

He never looked smaller than when he was scared though. Stiles hated seeing it, seeing him keep his arms close to his torso to protect it, hunch in on himself a little to not make such a big target. His eyes were always the worst those times, though, and Stiles never wanted to see them like that, huge and terrified.

Now, though, Derek was relaxed and felt safe in the sense that there was no physical threat to him, to _them_. He sat on a log by the campfire, his feet close together, his knees slightly apart but not spread, more like comfortably relaxed. He had his hands in his lap, his elbows tucked against his sides, and while he was leaned forward a little he wasn’t hunched in on himself. He was comfortably small.

He wasn’t happy though, but he felt safe enough around Stiles that it didn’t affect his stance.

They had been there since morning, an alpha werewolf and his emissary, performing rituals to make the land safer for their little pack. Stiles was exhausted, but they still had more to do. One last thing. A thing Stiles dreaded doing, because it risked ruining everything.

Derek obviously noticed Stiles’ dread, and it obviously worried him, ate at him, but Stiles didn’t know how to explain his fears, and Derek would know soon enough anyway.

”I’m thinking I should nap,” Stiles said. ”Are you okay to stay awake?”

”Yeah, I’m fine.” Derek gave him a stiff smile. ”I’ll wake you up in time, you go ahead and rest.”

”Thanks, dude,” Stiles said.

The log Stiles was on wasn’t comfortable to sleep on, but he still tried. He used his empty backpack as a pillow, wrapped his hoodie around himself, tucked his hands in his armpits and closed his eyes. He couldn’t stop thinking about the last ritual they were going to do though.

Stiles had been Derek’s emissary for almost a year, and the spell they were about to perform was important for their emissary and alpha relationship, for the trust, as it would give them access to the other’s mind. Stiles trusted Derek, with himself, with his dad, with their pack, with _everything_ , and he knew Derek trusted him too. But it put everything on a whole new level, letting each other in like that. Stiles could trust Derek without telling him exactly how he felt, right? He didn’t need to tell him _everything_.

But apparently he did. Or so the customs said. The _protocol_. Apparently, an emissary and an alpha had to go through it before the first year was over, to solidify their alliance, to know they both had the other’s and their packs best at heart, to know they never needed to keep secrets from each other. Stiles got it, he really did, and it _was_ an important part of him fully being Derek’s emissary, of Derek fully being his alpha, but he wasn’t necessarily looking forward to Derek knowing how head over heels in love Stiles was with him.

He had probably been there for half an hour, trying and failing to rest, when he opened his eyes and looked at Derek, upsidedown from where he was on his back on the uncomfortable log. Derek was frowning at the fire, the flames casting dancing lights and shadows on his face. He was beautiful, he always was, but he looked unhappy, even though everything about his body language said relaxed.

“I’m sorry if my nerves are freaking you out,” Stiles said, and Derek looked almost startled when he looked at him.

“What?”

“I’m nervous.” Stiles sat up, shrugged, looked at the fire too. “I’m scared,” he admitted quietly, but then he looked at Derek. “I trust you, you know I do, I trust you with everything, but… it’s scary to have you see some things. I’m scared you’ll look at me differently, or not want me as your emissary.”

“That’s-. I’m sorry, I’ve been so caught up in my own head, I didn’t even realize you were worried.” Derek ran a hand across his face, gave Stiles a tired and most likely fake smile. “I trust you, too, but… it’s a lot.” He swallowed and looked back at the fire before repeating himself in a small voice. “It’s a lot.”

“We’ll be okay, right?” Stiles put a hand on Derek’s forearm, squeezed gently. “This is good, we’ll know more, we’ll never have to feel that there’s anything we can’t say. We can do this, can’t we?” He huffed out a little desperate laugh. “You won’t reject me for things I would never act on, will you?”

“No, of course not,” Derek said and put his hand over Stiles’, held it in place on his arm. He still didn’t look happy though. “I know you, I’m not worried about what I’ll see, you’re good, Stiles.”

“So you’re worried about what I’ll see?” Stiles asked softly. Derek looked at the fire, opened his mouth, closed it again, then nodded his head once. “I’m not. I know you, Derek, I know there’s gonna be upsetting things, but whatever you’re scared of, it’ll be okay. I’ll always want to be your emissary, I promise.”

Derek glanced at him quickly as he huffed out a soft laugh. “You can’t know that.”

Stiles sighed and looked at his wristwatch. “30 more minutes. What do you say we start preparing, so we can have it done?”

With a stiff nod Derek got up to his feet, and they started to prepare. They worked in silence, not an uncomfortable silence though, but their usual silence. They worked well together, those days, danced around each other as they got things for the potion and paste, Derek quietly handing Stiles ingredients as he stirred it. They still had almost fifteen more minutes to go when they were done, though, and Derek looked out at the trees.

“Is it okay if I go for a quick run?” He looked at Stiles. “I’ll be back in time.”

“Yeah, sure, go ahead.” Stiles smiled at him, and Derek took a shaky breath, nodded, and stripped down so he could shift. When Stiles held a hand out he came up to him and pressed his head against it, so Stiles stroked his hand over his head before lightly scratching below his ear. “You go run, I’ll call for you when it’s time.”

Derek nodded, then he took off, and Stiles sat on the log and watched the flames. He tried not to worry about the ritual, about what Derek would see, but it was all he could think about. Don’t think about a pink elephant and all that. Derek came back after just a minute, came over to Stiles, buffed his head against his hand, and Stiles petted him.

“Still plenty of time,” he said, and Derek nodded and took off again.

He kept coming back, though, he was never gone for more than a minute or two, so when it was almost time, when the moon would be at its peak in just a couple of minutes, Stiles told him to stay. Derek sat next to Stiles, rested his head in Stiles’ lap, and Stiles petted his head and scratched his neck until it was time to get up. Derek stayed in wolf form until Stiles was naked too, then he shifted back.

For the first time that day Stiles could see how nervous Derek really was. He looked relaxed, but his arms weren’t resting close against his sides, his overall stance was wider than usual, his chest a little expanded, shoulders drawn back as he was standing tall, and despite being naked and vulnerable in front of Stiles, he looked like he was steeling himself, no matter how relaxed and confident he would look for someone who didn’t _know_ him.

Stiles smiled at him. “Let’s do this,” he said, and Derek’s nod was more of a sharp jerk of his head.

They drank the potion, then they started to paint each other’s torsos with the paste, intricate patterns across their chests and arms, up their necks, on their backs, then they faced each other again and finished with the patterns needed on their faces too.

 

Stiles saw Derek in the reflection of the mirror in front of him, wearing only boxer briefs. He was frowning deeply at himself, at his thick muscles. His eyes flashed red.

“ _You grew up in all the right places,_ ” a female voice said, a memory. It was distorted, didn’t sound like it was just one woman, but Stiles was sure Kate’s voice was there.

“ _Now_ that’s _a man,_ ” another voice said. ” _I wouldn’t say no to being plowed by that_.”

“ _Look at that body, oh god, look at that_ ass.” A third voice.

It kept going, random voices talking about how hot Derek was, how manly and muscular and _sexy_ he was, how they wanted to fuck him, him to fuck them, while Derek kept glaring at his own reflection, disgust the only thing Stiles could feel.

_That_ was Derek’s mind? He hated his body, he wished for it to be more like before he became an alpha, not so big. There were flashes of Derek working out, hating that stronger meant _hotter_ , but not stopping for a second, because he _had to_ be strong, he had to, for his pack, for _Stiles_.

Then there was Stiles. He was smiling, not at Derek, at something else, something irrelevant to Derek, and all Stiles could feel was how much Derek _loved_ him. He almost started to cry with how Derek viewed Stiles, like he was the most beautiful and important thing in the world, like he would lay down his life for Stiles without a second’s hesitation. It was a lot to take in, and Stiles felt overwhelmed.

Derek was kneeling in front of Stiles, who was looking down on him. It was weird seeing himself like that, powerful and strong and _perfect_. He smiled at Derek, whose arms were tied behind his back, waiting for a command. Stiles cupped Derek’s cheek, and _oh._ That was not a memory, that was a fantasy, and Derek _wanted_ it. He wasn’t aroused, but Stiles was, the bulge in his pants obvious, and Derek wanted it, wanted Stiles, wanted him to tell him what to do, to be good, for Stiles to praise him, tell him he was a good boy. Shame took over, then, he wasn’t a _dog_ , but then the fantasy Stiles spoke.

“Good, my good boy,” he said softly, and Derek whined as he leaned against Stiles’ touch and warmth filled his chest.

Stiles forced himself to move on, to not get lost in one of Derek’s fantasies, but the second he saw something else, something that wasn’t himself looming over Derek like a protector that would keep him safe while giving Derek everything he wanted, he wanted to go back. He would rather stay in the fantasy than feel the pain of a whole pack, a whole family, lost.

It was all his fault, the guilt was _suffocating_ him. Laura was hugging him.

“It’s not your fault,” she said, because he stank of guilt, he could smell it himself, “it’s not your fault you survived.”

She didn’t know, though, she didn’t know Derek had let Kate in, had fucked her, had _loved_ her. If she knew, she would never forgive him.

They were in a living room, all of Derek’s family. Talia was laughing at something William had said, and Derek was squeezed in between Laura and Mark, his older brother. They were teasing gently, talking about a boy Derek liked, and Stiles realized it was before Paige even. Derek couldn’t be more than 14.

“He’s nice,” Laura said and nudged Derek with her elbow. “You should invite him for dinner.”

“Oh my god, you’re insane,” Derek said, but he was laughing even as he blushed. “To this family? I don’t want to scare him away, Laura!”

“Naah, he’ll love us,” Mark said.

“And if not, we’ll just eat him up,” William said, snapping his fangs, and Derek groaned.

“Daad, oh my god,” he whined, but he couldn’t help but laugh.

There was so much love, in Derek, in the air, he could _smell_ it on the others, and then there was pain instead, grief, a longing for a lost time. Derek was in his house, alone. He was drawing, Stiles didn’t know he _could_ draw, yet there he was, drawing Stiles. He was thinking about his family, _hurting_ because he missed them so much, and Stiles was away, he was at college, and Derek was lonely. He felt guilty for feeling lonely, he had others still, people he hoped would be his pack if he ever dared to ask Stiles to be his emissary, but they weren’t _Stiles_. He looked at the drawing, that Stiles thought looked flawless, a perfect rendition of him, but Derek wasn’t happy with it, the eyes weren’t right, the moles on his cheek were-. He crumbled the drawing up and threw it in the trash.

He sat there, staring at a blank paper as he thought about Stiles, about how he wanted him, and how if it had just been sex he could have, but it wasn’t, Derek wasn’t sure he ever wanted sex, even with Stiles, because there was something wrong with him, he was _broken_ , he just wanted Stiles to dominate him. He _would_ if Stiles asked, he would do anything, he thought he might even like blowing Stiles, especially if Stiles was controlling and praising him and he so badly wanted to try it, and how fucked up was that?

The longing Derek felt, for Stiles, both for him to come back from college, but also for _him_ , to hold him, kiss, hug, cuddle, be dominated by, it was so strong that Stiles wanted to cry, but then Derek’s mind went back to his own body, how he knew Stiles wanted it, and he felt sick instead. Stiles was 16, licking his lips and stinking of teenage arousal as Derek writhed in pain on the floor, he was 18, Derek pulled his shirt off because it was hot out and he was working and Stiles arousal was more like a simmer, even as he continued to talk to Derek like it was nothing. He was 20, Derek had just gotten his second set of alpha powers, and Stiles was watching him appreciatively.

“Alpha looks good on you,” he said and Derek wanted to throw up.

Stiles hadn’t meant it like that, he wasn’t talking about his body, he was talking about the power, how it suited Derek, about that while he loved Derek’s blue eyes the red ones always sent a shiver down his spine because he was even _more_ powerful with them. He appreciated Derek’s body, he did, and he felt bad for it, knowing it caused Derek pain, but he hadn’t meant it like that.

It kept going, so many memories, emotions, fantasies, that Stiles flashed through. He was expecting the angst from Derek losing his family and Stiles knew he had a lot of bad memories, he expected his heart to be broken, and he expected there to be _some_ self-hate, but he wasn’t prepared for just how much there was. Derek loved being a werewolf, though, and _that_ felt amazing, he genuinely thought of the bite as a gift, that he was lucky to be born one, despite everything that had happened because of it.

He wasn’t expecting Derek to hate so much else about himself though. He knew he looked good, and while he used it to his advantage from time to time he mostly seemed to hate it, hate that people assumed things about him, only saw him as something pretty, thought he was uneducated and stupid, and he hated that they were right too, that he hadn’t finished college. Stiles realized Derek never had mentioned having gone to college, had no idea he had an almost finished linguistics degree with top grades, and he hated that Derek saw it as one of his many failures.

There was a lot of self-hate about having failed at being an alpha, having failed at making a pack, having failed Erica and Boyd, having _killed_ Boyd (which wasn’t even _true_ ), having failed Isaac and Cora and Scott and even Stiles. It wasn’t as acute anymore, but it was still there, simmering below the surface.

Then there was the sexuality. Stiles had never really thought about Derek’s sexuality, he knew he had ex-girlfriends, but that was about it, it wasn’t anything they ever talked about, and he understood why when he saw all of Derek’s issues with himself. How broken he felt for not wanting sex, or for _maybe_ wanting sex, and how he compared himself to Kate the few times he actually wanted sex. He felt weird and _unnatural_ whenever he fantasized about Stiles domming him, being an alpha that wanted to submit, and he was scared of how Stiles would see him if he ever found out.

The longing was there again, with how badly he longed for a relationship, but how he didn’t think he neither deserved one nor could handle one, because of sex, because he was broken. The more Stiles saw, the more he wanted to just hold Derek while firmly telling him he wasn’t broken, that there was _nothing_ wrong with him.

The last thing of Derek that Stiles experienced was from when he was sitting by the campfire before the ritual. He thought about how he could never _not_ love Stiles, he would always want him in his life, and he knew he would never have Stiles the way he wanted him, but that didn’t matter, because Stiles was his best friend and his emissary, and he valued him so much. He was scared though, so scared of letting Stiles see everything. He startled when Stiles spoke, and Derek looked at him. He was beautiful, like that, his eyes looked almost golden in the light from the fire. Derek felt bad for not even having _realized_ that Stiles was worried, and he tried to reassure him. It didn’t feel like he did a very good job of it.

They prepared for the ritual, and all Derek wanted was to run, to change and to _flee_. When he finally got to run, though, he couldn’t stay away for long. He had to see Stiles, if it was the last time, he couldn’t spend what might be the last few minutes he had with him out running. The need to run was still there though, so when it got too bad he ran off for a minute, only to return, to have Stiles’ hand on him a few more seconds.

 

Stiles gasped as he stumbled back from Derek, who sucked in a breath. They stood there staring at each other for a moment, their hands still held out as if they were still in the middle of painting the marks on each other’s faces, then Stiles took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Derek, hugged him tightly, completely ignoring their nudity.

“I love you so much, Derek,” he said, his voice hoarse, “you are amazing and wonderful and there is _nothing_ wrong with you.” He suddenly thought about all the times he had fantasized about Derek, about having _sex_ with Derek, and that Derek now knew all about them. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

He pulled back, but put his hands on Derek’s shoulders, didn’t want to move too far, and Derek was looking _stunned_. His eyes were huge as he looked at Stiles, huge and too wet, and Stiles wanted to take everything back.

“I’m so sorry you had to see all that,” Stiles whispered. “I’m-. I didn’t know.”

“What?” Derek asked, blinking confusedly.

“The sex fantasies,” Stiles said quietly.

“You _love_ me,” Derek said, instead of anything that made sense.

“Yes, of course I do,” Stiles said.

“No, you _love_ me,” Derek repeated and a tear spilled over. “You-. Oh my god, is _that_ what you were worried about? That I’d find out you were in love with me?”

“Well, yeah,” Stiles said, a little awkward and suddenly very aware of their nudity. “I didn’t know how you felt about me, though, if I’d known that I wouldn’t really have worried about _that_.”

Derek flinched a little and took a step back. ”I’m sorry,” he said.

”Dude, _no_.” Stiles took a step closer, but while Derek didn’t back up more he turned his head away, so Stiles stopped. ”You have _nothing_ to apologize for, there’s nothing wrong or weird or unnatural about you.”

Derek looked at him, just stood there, and Stiles saw most of his tension slowly leave his body. ”Asexuality,” he said, and Stiles nodded. ”Sex repulsion.” Derek’s eyes widened. ”You-.” He furrowed his brows. ”You never fantasized about domming me, in all the-.”

”No,” Stiles said, ”but you know how I felt whenever it was brought up. I definitely want to try, if you’d feel comfortable with it.”

”What about sex?” Derek asked, almost defiantly, his chin raised a little, his body language screaming _defensive_ as he puffed up.

”What about it?” Stiles asked. ”If you ever want to try I’m on board, you know that, but you should also know I would never assume my partner want it, you’ve seen me read and talk about it.”

Derek deflated a little, shifted his weight and narrowed his stance, and he nodded.

”You were so disgusted when you found out about Kate.” He looked away, like he was ashamed of himself, to admit it out loud. ”I didn’t realize it was Kate that disgusted you.”

Stiles had seen that too, how it had even further solidified Derek’s already solid belief that it was all his fault, that he was disgusting and wrong.

”I’m sorry,” Stiles said. He had thought it was obvious at the time. ”I never meant to make you feel worse.” There were so many times Stiles had unknowingly hurt Derek that it was almost overwhelming to think about it, but Derek still loved him, still saw him as something good and beautiful, worthy of love. Stiles choked out a sob. “God, I’m so sorry, Derek.”

Derek carefully wrapped Stiles in a hug. “I saw, Stiles, you never did anything because you wanted to hurt me, it’s not your fault. And you _love_ me,” he said. “I don’t understand how, but you do.”

Stiles pulled back again to glare at Derek, who frowned but couldn’t stop a small smile. “Oh, you shut up,” Stiles said. “You better prepare to be lectured daily on how fucking amazing you are.”

Derek’s smile widened and Stiles couldn’t help but grin at him. They stood there, just smiling stupidly at each other, until Stiles remembered they were naked. They helped each other wipe the paste off, then they got dressed. Stiles couldn’t stop looking at Derek, couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Derek was in love with him too. He wanted to kiss him so much, but even though he had been in Derek’s head, even though he had seen all his longings and wishes and fantasies, he was worried about fucking up. Even though he knew how much Derek loved him. 

A giggle escaped him at that thought, and he slapped a hand over his mouth. Derek raised an eyebrow at him.

”Are you okay?”

”You’re in love with me,” Stiles breathed and Derek’s other eyebrow joined the first. ”You! You’re in _love_ with me!”

”I am,” Derek said. ”And you’re in love with me.”

”I really want to kiss you,” Stiles blurted, and Derek smiled.

”Yeah?”

”So much.”

”You’re-.” Derek hesitated. ”I know what I saw, what you said, but I don’t know if-.” He cut himself off and suddenly seemed very focused on getting dressed.

”If you don’t want sex we don’t have sex,” Stiles said, his voice soft but firm, he didn’t want to leave any room for doubt. ”If you ever want it you tell me and we’ll talk about it, but it’s fine if you don’t want it.” Derek looked at him again, his eyes big, even though he looked a little more relaxed again. ”You know I want it, but you have to believe me when I say we never have to have sex. It’s not a problem for me, it’s not an issue, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want it. You can change your mind too, and that’s also fine. You can want it and change your mind before we’ve even started, you can want it for months and then not want it anymore, and it’s all good. The only thing I don’t want is for you to have sex with me when you don’t want it.”

Derek nodded, took a deep breath, then he smiled carefully. ”So kissing?”

”I am down for kissing,” Stiles said, smiling too. ”If you want that.”

”I want that,” Derek said. He walked up to Stiles without any of the swagger Stiles had seen him use whenever he was flirting, and Stiles smile grew. He looked comfortable, relaxed, as he stopped right in front of Stiles and put his hands on his waist. ”What?”

”I like how you move, how you hold your body when you feel safe and comfortable,” Stiles said, and Derek looked down on himself and moved his elbows away from his body.

”I’ve never thought about it before I saw you see it,” he said as he let his elbows fall back down. ”I think it’s from being in a big family, maybe?”

”I loved seeing your family, seeing where you learned to be so soft spoken, so gentle, despite all your strength and power,” Stiles said. Derek smiled sadly at him. ”Sorry, didn’t mean to be a downer. I just liked that I got to see them, see how much they loved you. See what a good kid you were, dad would be so jealous of your parents of he knew, he’d trade me for you in a heartbeat.” He winked, and Derek huffed out a little laugh.

”You were a hellion,” he said, ”but he wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

”He wouldn’t trade you either,” Stiles said, then he frowned. ”But I think we were about to kiss.”

”I think so, too,” Derek said and leaned in until he was just shy of touching Stiles’ lips with his own.

Stiles closed the distance between them, pressed his lips against Derek’s, then he gently moved them in a soft kiss. Derek wrapped his arms around Stiles, who cupped Derek’s face in both his hand, and they stood there a long time, kissing slowly.

”Don’t let go,” Derek whispered as he leaned his forehead against Stiles’.

”Never,” Stiles said. He stroked his thumbs over Derek’s cheeks. ”I’m never letting you go now.”

”Good.”

Stiles felt a tear fall against his thumb, and he pressed another firm kiss to Derek’s mouth. ”Will you tell me what’s happening?” he asked as he held Derek close.

”I’m happy.” Derek’s voice was barely even a whisper, but it was still rough, and he swallowed thickly. ”I’m happy,” he repeated.

”I’m happy, too,” Stiles said, then he smiled, almost giddy with the feeling of having Derek like that. ”I’m so happy, Derek, I feel like I could burst from it.”

Derek moved his head to tuck his face against Stiles’ neck, and Stiles felt his smile against it as he moved his hands to the back of Derek’s head.

”You smell happy,” Derek said, his voice muffled.

”I’m glad,” Stiles said. ”I like how happy smells, now that I actually know how it smells.”

”I do, too,” Derek said.

They stayed there, by the slowly dying campfire, just holding each other for a long time. When they finally pulled away, when _Derek_ finally pulled away, Stiles kept his hands on him. Derek smiled at he grabbed his wrists, then he turned his head to kiss the inside of Stiles’ wrist before steering that hand away, then he repeated it on Stiles’ other hand. They packed up their things, made sure the fire was out, Stiles suffocated it with a simple spell before forcing the heat from the pile of coal that was left, then they started the trek through the woods back to Derek’s car.

As he was driving, Derek reached over and took Stiles’ hand. He pressed a kiss to it before resting their hands on his thigh.

”Do you want to go home or come with me?” he asked.

”I want to come with you.” Stiles squeezed Derek’s hand, and Derek shot him a quick smile before returning focus on the road. ”I’m not letting go,” Stiles said, and Derek’s eyebrows twitched a little. ”I should warn you, I’ll probably want to spend all my time with you. Not that I didn’t already, but I’ll be even worse now.”

”Not worse,” Derek said a little hoarsely. ”Never worse.”

”Are we gonna be one of those ridiculously sappy couples?” Stiles asked, and Derek smiled again.

”I wouldn’t mind,” he said. ”Maybe not in front of everyone though.”

”Yeah.” Stiles shifted his weight and leaned his head back. ”Now I just want to hold you, though. Talk about how amazing you are until we fall asleep.” He looked at Derek as he realized something. ”You’re not a morning person.”

”I’m not,” Derek said. ”You are, though.”

”I am, yeah,” Stiles said, happy. ”I look forward to waking up before you, to see you wake up. I can have coffee ready for you when you get up.”

”You’re actually excited about that?” Derek asked and Stiles shrugged.

”Yeah. I mean, it’s _you_ , morning tired you, that’s adorable.”

”Adorable,” Derek said flatly and Stiles laughed as he squeezed his hand again.

”Yes, big bad, adorable,” he said and Derek’s lips twitched into a smile. ”I look forward to a lot, though. Mainly being with you. Can I touch you, like, all I want now?”

”Yes,” Derek said. ”You can do whatever you want.”

”Okay, rephrase.” Stiles frowned as he thought about how to word himself. ”Would you like it if I touched you?”

”Yes, Stiles.” Derek lifted their hands to kiss Stiles’ palm. ”I want you to touch me, I’d like it if you touched me.”

”Okay, awesome. Can you promise me one thing though?”

”What?”

”Promise you’ll tell me if I do anything you don’t want?” Stiles asked.

Derek took a shaky breath, then he nodded. ”I will,” he said, before glancing at Stiles. ”I’ll try.”

”Okay. Is it weird that I want to do another mild meld thing already?”

Derek smiled. ”I don’t know. Is it?”

”I want-. I liked that you got to really see how I feel, you know? That I got to see, too. We both know things that will make it easier for us, but, and don’t take this the wrong way, but it feels like you’ll have a hard time believing me about certain things, and I know I’ll probably worry a lot about fucking up, especially in the beginning, so if we did it again we’d see for sure, you know?”

”Yeah,” Derek said. ”I know.”

”I want _so much_ , and I’m scared you’ll think you have to, because you’ve seen how much I want, and I’m so scared I’ll make you do anything you don’t want, so I want, i _really_ want you to tell me. I’ll never be upset with you if you ask me to stop or to slow down.”

”I’ll try,” Derek said. ”I promise, I’ll try.”

”I’ll ask a lot, just so you know,” Stiles said. ”I’ll probably annoy you with it, but I’ll keep asking until I know that you feel comfortable saying no.”

Derek smiled and squeezed his hand. ”Thank you.”

 

When they got to Derek’s house they just dumped everything they had taken with them in the kitchen, then they took turns in the shower while the other brushed his teeth. Derek smiled as he led Stiles to his bedroom, and when they were in bed he gently pushed and pulled at Stiles until he could lay down with his head on Stiles’ shoulder. Stiles wrapped his arms around him.

”This is so nice,” he said softly. ”And now for the daily Derek boost.”

Derek groaned softly, but he stayed still as Stiles listed things he loved about Derek, and then things that impressed him.

”And by the way, mister sneaky, how come I didn’t know you’re a fucking genius and a polyglot?”

”You know I speak Spanish,” Derek said, as if that was an actual defense.

”Yeah, I do know that. But now I also know you know French and Italian and Mandarin too. And that you have most of a linguistic master’s.”

”An unfinished one,” Derek said.

”Yeah, because things happened and you couldn’t keep going.” He squeezed Derek, pressed a kiss to his hair. ”That’s not your fault, and it doesn’t make you stupid or a failure. Have you considered finishing?”

”You know I have,” Derek said. ”Yes, but I don’t know if I can, and I haven’t looked it up.”

”Want me to look it up?”

”If you want to.”

”Okay, cool.” Stiles smiled as he ran his fingers through Derek’s soft hair. ”It shouldn’t be a problem, but depending on specific requirements you might have to-.”

”Stiles?” Derek interrupted softly.

”Yes?”

”I love you.”

”I love you, too.”

”I know,” Derek said and Stiles grinned against his hair. ”But we should sleep now.”

”Yeah, sorry, I got carried away,” Stiles said, still smiling and still so very happy.

”Don’t worry about it.” Derek lifted his head to look at Stiles. He puckered his lips and Stiles leaned in for a soft kiss. ”Sleep well.”

”You, too. See you tomorrow.”

”See you tomorrow,” Derek said.

He smiled as he put his head on Stiles’ chest again, and Stiles smiled too as he gently played with Derek’s hair. He couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with Derek.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated =) ♥
> 
> And as usual, if I've forgotten/missed a tag, please let me know!


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